A congruent man is his own mental point of origin, in all matters that concern him.
Personalities in the men's self-help space say a man ought to be congruent and high value, that is, he ought to do the work, walk the talk, and develop the triad of finances, fitness and game.
While dedication and consistency towards these are certainly the (potential) characteristics, goals and actions of a congruent man, they do not a congruent man make.
Because a congruent man is his own mental point of origin, in all matters that concern him.
Congruence is a state or quality of alignment between one’s own, genuine thoughts and feelings (inner life) and one’s actions (outer expression). These no one else can discover, determine or take for you: they are unique to you and your experiences, traumas, preferences, goals, desires, wants, understanding of the world and of yourself.
Whether angry or elated, when we finally wake up and begin to see exactly how deep the rabbit hole goes, we bring with us our lifetime of internalized labels — assumptions, feelings, and value judgments about the world and about ourselves — in addition to all the traumas and betrayals we remember. (And, problematically, those we don’t.)
We dedicate ourselves to change.
We immerse ourselves in the material and in a community, a community that tells us what we need to do, what to stop, and why.
It makes sense.
We take and repeat only the new actions.
We get new results.
But something is still off.
We aren’t having success on our dates.
Or we can’t get and maintain an erection.
Or we cum too fast.
Or we aren’t making enough money.
Or we try to wake other people up and they’re too dumb. Or scared.
Or we are still angry at our parents, friends, ex-lovers, and ourselves, for our lives up until now.
It’s not so much that we don’t believe the material, don’t understand it, don’t trust ourself, etc. But know that our body remembers everything that has ever happened to us. (See “The Body Keeps the Score,” by Bessel van der Kolk, M.D.).
Our body knows every time we suppress what we used to think and do.
It knows every trauma we endured and ignored.
It tenses unconsciously in self-defense.
And it will keep us incongruent and in conflict until we elect to let it go.
Do you want carry your old life into your new life, and build on a foundation you have yet to clear?
Or do you want to let it go and begin a new life on your terms, with as clean a slate as you can recapture?
The first step towards true congruence is to release what holds us down, to let go of what served us for a time but serves us no longer.
We are here now. We are awake. We are ready to be real. We are ready actualize. We are ready to like what we like, hate what we hate, love what we love, and think what we think, everyone else be damned.
In The Congruence Series, my intent is to equip you with tools to discover your own integrity, to be your own mental point of origin in all things concerning you, to witness your own true wants, needs, goals and desires, regardless of anyone or anything outside of you, learn to embody who you truly are and to be congruent with that man.
The best teacher about you is you. But you haven’t listened to yourself. Not really.
Thankfully, it’s only because you don’t know how to yet.
So let’s begin with that, shall we?
Commit to do this meditation exercise for 5 minutes a day. You can do more later, but start with 5 minutes for now — consistently, every day, for no less than a week. If you don’t notice anything interesting about yourself by then, stick with it anyway.
Find a quiet space with no potential interruptions. Turn off your phone.
Remember: it’s only 5 minutes.
Sit in a comfortable, upright and alert position. Close your eyes.
Focus on the sounds nearby. Take your time.
Then focus on sensations in the body.
Then focus on the breath, the rise and fall of the belly, the temperature of the air in and out.
When ready, silently and seriously ask yourself, “Who am I?”
Let go of any need to answer or to find the right one — wait for an answer instead.
If time seems to pass, ask again, silently, “Who am I?”
When an answer comes, witness it, acknowledge it and then answer it with, “Not this.”
For every answer that comes, even if factually true (such as your name), answer the same way, “Not this.”
After silently inquiring for some time, turn attention back to your breath. Take a few slow, deep breaths.
Begin to feel your body in the space. Then listen to the world around you. And, finally, when you’re ready, open your eyes.
We do this “Who Am I?” meditation to discover and live from the core of who we are, beyond all the labels of who we think we are or who we were told we are or should be. Dismissing each label with a “not this” helps us clear our foundation for the labels we truly want to acquire and embody.
Give the meditation a try. When you finish, consider some questions: Who is speaking when you listen? Who is listening? Who noticed the listener?
Write about your experiences if it interests you, and feel free to reach out to me if you have questions or need further assistance.
About the Author
Edward LA is a certified meditation and Yoga Nidra (Bihar) instructor based in Los Angeles and Las Vegas.
An adult producer, director and performer, as well as a veteran voice-over actor, Edward LA consults men on improving their sex lives, discovering their own sensual, dominant masculine nature, and romantic relationships.